[We’re going for a hard-R with this one.]
It’s 11:46PM in Chicago, and the last few minutes of Valentine’s Day are winding their way to a slow, breathless close. Bedroom lights are being dimmed, candles blown out, chocolate wrappers are being left on tables, resting gently next to roses who know too well that they’re best days are behind them. All throughout Chicago, and Illinois and the world, they’re making lover’s rock.
But, universality is rarely the strong suit of the universe, and, somewhere, a young boy is crying. His hands are clenched tightly around a purple jewel-case, creating small pressure cracks through the ornate heart he drew in glitter paint across the front cover. He’s wondering what he did wrong, why, after hours of hard work scouring the internet and uncounted dollars tossed at iTunes, he’s still ended up alone. We’re here to walk him through it.
Chaptraxx(xxxxxxxxx) knows that mixtapes are a delicate art. And no mixtape is more delicate than the “Hey, I fancy you” genus. A single misstep can lead to disastrous results. This is why we took to the Chaptraxx(xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx) Blanket-and-Chairs-Fortress-of-Community (which is very echo-y): to help you avoid potentially date-crushing mixtape missteps.
So, here, presented for your listening pleasure, are the nine songs that we feel should never, ever, under any circumstance end up on a first date mixtape.
Please, be warned that this weeks episode contains pervasive strong language, crude sexual innuendo and infuriatingly racist, homophobic and misogynist lyrics. It is not safe for work.
I will write it larger, for emphasis: PERVASIVE STRONG LANGUAGE. DOES IT OFFEND YOU? YEAH.
For those willing to endure all of the swears, slang terms and racial epithets, god speed to you, keep the lighthouse in sight.
At this time, the file is too large to stream, but, if you’ve got thirty extra megs available on your iPod, you can download it here.
Stream, comment and download at Soundcloud.